The Communication Model

                What does it mean to communicate?  To most of us, most of the time, communication is summed up by the irritated declaration “I told you.”  We usually default to communication as a one-way stream of information, instruction, or orders.  We know what we want to communicate and frequently we believe we have done so clearly.

                Why, then, does our communication fail so often?  Why do people misunderstand, fail to follow, not remember, respond incorrectly, or fail to respond at all?

                Communication fails because we do not fully understand the entire process.  Yes, communication is a process not a one-way shot.  To most of us, most of the time, the communication model looks like this:

                A sender has something that needs to be transferred to someone else, a message.  The message must be delivered through a medium.  The medium might be direct verbal, written, or take the form of a picture, a painting, a video, audio or others. It could be a letter, an email, a Facebook message, a tweet, an essay, an entire book or a simple scribbled note.  Direct verbal communication is the easiest one to dissect because we engage in conversation many times a day.  Once the sender crafts the message and selects the medium it is then delivered to the receiver, the intended recipient of the message.

                That’s where we stop.  Message delivered.  Communication complete.  Yet, how often do we find that communication was faulty?  What if the sender sent the wrong message, or if autocomplete changed it?  What if the message was constructed poorly or not in a way that the receiver understands?  What if the sender, the message and the medium were right but the receiver did not interpret it correctly.  Do you see all the potential for error or confusion?  How can we improve our communication success percentage?

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.  ~George Bernard Shaw

                Here is the missing part of the communication model.  Do you see the new part?  Do you understand how critical it is to successful communication?  Do you know how to use it to dramatically improve your communication skill?

                The reason we get so frustrated about our attempts to communicate is that we fail to complete the loop.  We don’t look, or wait, for feedback.  Without feedback we have no idea if the message made it through to the receiver in a complete or accurate form.

                Have you ever played “telephone”?  In the parlor game where someone whispers a message to the person next to them and then it is passed around the circle in private whispers, the final message is never accurate and almost always widely off the mark.  That’s a serious communication problem but even worse would be having no idea how distorted the message had become.'

The two words 'information' and 'communication' are often used interchangeably, but they signify quite different things.  Information is giving out; communication is getting through.  ~Sydney J. Harris

                What to do?  The key to effective communication is to always check for understanding after you communicate something important.  The easiest way to do that is to simply ask a question.  Try to avoid accusatory language.  “Were you listening?”  “Did you understand that?”  “What did I just say?” Instead, ask for agreement or understanding.  “Does that sound like a good plan?”  “Is that going to be possible?”  “Do you have any questions?”  The best question would force the receiver to paraphrase what you said.  “Did I cover all of the reasons?”  “How could I explain that better?”  “I hope I covered that completely.”  “Did I make sense on all of that?”  “Which do you think is the best one?”  “How should we decide what to do next?”  You get the idea.  Asking questions gives you a chance to get direct feedback, start to plan the next action, check for agreement, and encourage the receiver to respond to you.

                What other ideas or examples do you have for ensuring that accurate communication has been achieved?  Are you familiar with this communication model?  How do you check for accurate communication?  Would you be willing to share any examples of communication gone awry?

Personalities and Relationships

Many authors have described four basic personality styles but each has used different names and developed slightly different descriptions and analysis.  My two favorites are Florence Littauer and Robert Rohm because they define the styles better and provide more details for understanding the four personalities.

Florence Littauer wrote Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself.   Robert Rohm calls his book Positive Personality Profiles.  While Littauer’s names for the four types sound like they are from feudal times, her analysis of each personality includes a way to overcome our personal weaknesses and a path to improve our relations with others.  Dr. Rohm has a simpler approach that is easier to understand but harder to put into perspective.

No matter who we are, we have something to learn from each of these types.  ~Florence Littauer

Before you read a very brief description of the four types, you need to answer two simple questions.  Please don’t belabor these answers.  Go with your gut and choose the one that fits the most, even if it’s only 51% to 49%.  It may very well be different at some other time but go with what you think today at this moment.

First, are you more of outgoing or are you more reserved?  Do you think of yourself as an extrovert or an introvert?  Do you love to be around people and express yourself or are you more comfortable on your own or watching the party from a quiet corner?

Second, are you more task oriented or more people oriented?  Do you focus on getting things done or do you worry about how everyone is getting along?  Do you take an apparent consensus as a firm decision and run with it or do you check to see if anyone’s feelings might be hurt if they don’t get a chance to say something?

Now put those two together to determine which quadrant you are in.  Outgoing, task-oriented people are in the "D" quadrant.  Reserved, task-oriented are "C"s.  Outgoing, people-oriented are the "I"s and reserved, people-oriented are the "S"s.

The following table summarizes the terms and my short description of each personality type:

YOUR ANSWERS	LITTAUER	DESCRIPTION	ROHM
Outoging/Task	Choleric	Doer, always right	Dominant
Outgoing/People	Sanguine	Talker, fun	Inspiring
Reserved/People	Phlegmatic	Watcher, get along	Supportive
Reserved/Task	Melancholy	Thinker, analyzer	Cautious

Before you get hung up on these four types, I have used this with many groups of people and they are pretty accurate.  The point, however, is not to stereotype people but to understand that we respond to events in different ways.  It doesn't mean we’re better or worse, just different.  Understanding the four types helps us accept the different ways that people act.

When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.  ~Anonymous

That’s the first rule of relationships:  seek first to understand, then to be understood.  If we can accept that others act differently than us, it is much easier to accept them as they are and build a relationship from there.  If this makes sense and you wish to learn more, buy one of those books. 

Television Transitions

COURTESY:  Sony Vegas Movie Studio

COURTESY:
Windows Movie Maker

                In television, a transition is the way you change from one picture to another.  The most common, and least obtrusive, transition is the cut; an instant switch between pictures.  Other transitions are reserved for specific situations; a dissolve, or gradual fade from one picture to another, is used to indicate the passage of time or a change in location.  Other flashy transitions are used, and often overused, to get attention regardless of the pictures at both ends of the transition.

                The wipe replaces an old picture with a new one “wiping out” the old one.  A squeeze wipe shoves the old picture out as the new one squeezes in to replace it.  In the digital age, an infinite number of transitions are available to the video producer, and you can make your own if the choices aren’t enough.

                How do you adjust to change?  Do you make a cut – instantly replacing the old with the new and moving on?  Do you need to take your time and gradually make the change?  Do you wipe out old feelings and thoughts and overwhelm them with the new reality?  Do you shove your feelings out of the way and replace them with a new attitude?  Perhaps this analogy is only meaningful to video producers but I think it would benefit us all to think about our methods of adjusting to change?  The best approach, I suppose, is to use the transition that serves us and the situation the best.  How do we expand our repertoire for dealing with change?

                I’ve asked more questions than given answers, haven’t I?  What do you think?

The Importance of Relationships

            When you are on your deathbed, I don't think anything will be as important to you as the relationships in your life.  I finally realized this late in life but fortunately I have learned not only the importance of relationships, but also how to build relationships.  As a result, I look back on my sixty-plus years with joy and fascination at the relationships I have formed. 

Those relationships are such a blessing to me especially at those times when I questioned myself. I want to use this forum to review and clarify the principles for myself.  I hope in doing that, you will benefit from what I have learned as well.

While I have always enjoyed meeting people, and I believe building relationships is our most important activity, I began studying relationship-building as part of leadership development.  The two go together.  Leadership is influence and influence depends on relationships.

In organizations, real power and energy is generated through relationships. The patterns of relationships and the capacities to form them are more important than tasks, functions, roles, and positions. ~ Margaret Wheatly

I will be drawing from some of the best books on relationships that I have found:

•             Florence Littauer and Robert Rohm on the four basic personalities

•             The leadership guru John Maxwell

•             People-expert Dale Carnegie

Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness.  ~Leo F. Buscaglia

Have you ever wondered what is wrong with your spouse, or you child, or your good friend when they do something that seems absolutely foreign to you?  Have you ever scratched your head at the way someone behaves?  Tell me about it and examine the four basic personalities with me coming up soon.

Transitions Awareness

              Dad developed concerning symptoms in the spring of 2008.  A tumor in his heel made it difficult for him to walk and earned him an ambulance ride to the hospital one night.  When you live five hours away you don’t want to hear your mother telling you that on the phone.  One sister settled in their apartment for a long term stay.  By the time I was able to get there for a visit he was in a nursing home.  As I made my way to his room, I noticed the sign on the wing said “Transitions”.  I didn't think more about that until I found out he would be going home in a few days.  I thought “oh, transitions.  As in a transition to home.”  Nice!

                My father always joked that he would never live long enough to retire.  I thought I was prepared for his eventual passing but the jolt I got when I became aware of the directional properties of transitions proved I was not.

                Two months later he had returned to the hospital with more tumors.  An aggressive radiation treatment began and soon he was back in the nursing home.  Both sisters were there by then and I got a call saying my father was asking where I was.  I never like it when someone is gathering his family but I hoped for the best.  When I arrived I was directed into the same wing – Transitions.  That’s a good sign I thought.  He must be doing better than predicted.  I entered his room with my older sister.  Dad sat right up on the edge of the bed and shared a few philosophies with us.  We had a nice conversation.  Then, he laid down and needed to rest.

                I went out to the patio with my sister and she told me they were planning to stop radiation treatments after two weeks.  My puzzled look forced her to admit there was nothing more they could do for the tumors metastasizing all over his body.

Edwin Skogstoe
1918-2008

                The realization hit me like a lightning bolt and I decided I didn't like transitions.  Transitions can go either way:  up or down.  The transitions wing is for those either going to their earthly home or to their heavenly home.  I cherished the rest of the week before I had to go home but it was a sad time.  Two weeks later I got the tearful call from my sister that my father had made his final transition one month short of his 90th birthday.

  

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”   ― Isaac Asimov

            What about you?  Have you had to adjust to a close family member’s final transition?  How did you adjust?  Has it permanently changed you in any way?  Follow the blog and join the conversation.

Introduction and Invitation

               Transitions.  I love to challenge myself to find one word to describe my current state.  I have come to believe that “transitions” is the best word to describe the entire human condition.  If it’s true that everything changes except change, then transitions are our primary purpose in life.  Does that seem oversimplified, or pessimistic?  I suppose that depends on how you think of transitions.

                In this blog, I will examine many types of transitions.  While the dictionary definition of transition is “movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, or concept to another” I will define it differently.  I think of transitions as adjusting to change.  Transitions as change happen to us.  Transitions as adjustment are in our control.  I like control, especially when I’m having to change.

                I plan to make liberal use of quotes in this blog because when I see that someone has captured an important thought in a concise manner I don’t see any reason to try to improve on it.

 

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb must want to change.

                I also believe that relationships and communication are two critical parts of transitions.  As change occurs, relationships will demand extra attention.  Communication is important in all aspects of our lives but it is essential during transitions.  I spent my entire career in broadcasting and teaching, both of which demand good communication skills and yet in both areas my colleagues and I struggled to communicate.  My bachelor’s degree is in speech-communication but I feel I still have much to learn about good communication.

                Some of the experiences I will draw from include starting a family, starting school, graduating, teaching, owning a business, death, leaving home, starting a career, retiring, caring for parents, and more.

                I expect to reveal some things that you didn’t know in this blog.  I also expect I will uncover a lot of new things from reading, from living, and from you.  This blog should be a dialogue for sharing experiences, exchanging ideas, and learning how to become better at being human.   We will communicate, build relationships, and transition together.

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often. – Winston Churchill

            Let’s do this together.  Follow this blog and contribute.  What transitions are you dealing with, good or bad?  How are you adjusting to the change?