The Communication Model

                What does it mean to communicate?  To most of us, most of the time, communication is summed up by the irritated declaration “I told you.”  We usually default to communication as a one-way stream of information, instruction, or orders.  We know what we want to communicate and frequently we believe we have done so clearly.

                Why, then, does our communication fail so often?  Why do people misunderstand, fail to follow, not remember, respond incorrectly, or fail to respond at all?

                Communication fails because we do not fully understand the entire process.  Yes, communication is a process not a one-way shot.  To most of us, most of the time, the communication model looks like this:

                A sender has something that needs to be transferred to someone else, a message.  The message must be delivered through a medium.  The medium might be direct verbal, written, or take the form of a picture, a painting, a video, audio or others. It could be a letter, an email, a Facebook message, a tweet, an essay, an entire book or a simple scribbled note.  Direct verbal communication is the easiest one to dissect because we engage in conversation many times a day.  Once the sender crafts the message and selects the medium it is then delivered to the receiver, the intended recipient of the message.

                That’s where we stop.  Message delivered.  Communication complete.  Yet, how often do we find that communication was faulty?  What if the sender sent the wrong message, or if autocomplete changed it?  What if the message was constructed poorly or not in a way that the receiver understands?  What if the sender, the message and the medium were right but the receiver did not interpret it correctly.  Do you see all the potential for error or confusion?  How can we improve our communication success percentage?

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.  ~George Bernard Shaw

                Here is the missing part of the communication model.  Do you see the new part?  Do you understand how critical it is to successful communication?  Do you know how to use it to dramatically improve your communication skill?

                The reason we get so frustrated about our attempts to communicate is that we fail to complete the loop.  We don’t look, or wait, for feedback.  Without feedback we have no idea if the message made it through to the receiver in a complete or accurate form.

                Have you ever played “telephone”?  In the parlor game where someone whispers a message to the person next to them and then it is passed around the circle in private whispers, the final message is never accurate and almost always widely off the mark.  That’s a serious communication problem but even worse would be having no idea how distorted the message had become.'

The two words 'information' and 'communication' are often used interchangeably, but they signify quite different things.  Information is giving out; communication is getting through.  ~Sydney J. Harris

                What to do?  The key to effective communication is to always check for understanding after you communicate something important.  The easiest way to do that is to simply ask a question.  Try to avoid accusatory language.  “Were you listening?”  “Did you understand that?”  “What did I just say?” Instead, ask for agreement or understanding.  “Does that sound like a good plan?”  “Is that going to be possible?”  “Do you have any questions?”  The best question would force the receiver to paraphrase what you said.  “Did I cover all of the reasons?”  “How could I explain that better?”  “I hope I covered that completely.”  “Did I make sense on all of that?”  “Which do you think is the best one?”  “How should we decide what to do next?”  You get the idea.  Asking questions gives you a chance to get direct feedback, start to plan the next action, check for agreement, and encourage the receiver to respond to you.

                What other ideas or examples do you have for ensuring that accurate communication has been achieved?  Are you familiar with this communication model?  How do you check for accurate communication?  Would you be willing to share any examples of communication gone awry?

Personalities and Relationships

Many authors have described four basic personality styles but each has used different names and developed slightly different descriptions and analysis.  My two favorites are Florence Littauer and Robert Rohm because they define the styles better and provide more details for understanding the four personalities.

Florence Littauer wrote Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself.   Robert Rohm calls his book Positive Personality Profiles.  While Littauer’s names for the four types sound like they are from feudal times, her analysis of each personality includes a way to overcome our personal weaknesses and a path to improve our relations with others.  Dr. Rohm has a simpler approach that is easier to understand but harder to put into perspective.

No matter who we are, we have something to learn from each of these types.  ~Florence Littauer

Before you read a very brief description of the four types, you need to answer two simple questions.  Please don’t belabor these answers.  Go with your gut and choose the one that fits the most, even if it’s only 51% to 49%.  It may very well be different at some other time but go with what you think today at this moment.

First, are you more of outgoing or are you more reserved?  Do you think of yourself as an extrovert or an introvert?  Do you love to be around people and express yourself or are you more comfortable on your own or watching the party from a quiet corner?

Second, are you more task oriented or more people oriented?  Do you focus on getting things done or do you worry about how everyone is getting along?  Do you take an apparent consensus as a firm decision and run with it or do you check to see if anyone’s feelings might be hurt if they don’t get a chance to say something?

Now put those two together to determine which quadrant you are in.  Outgoing, task-oriented people are in the "D" quadrant.  Reserved, task-oriented are "C"s.  Outgoing, people-oriented are the "I"s and reserved, people-oriented are the "S"s.

The following table summarizes the terms and my short description of each personality type:

YOUR ANSWERS	LITTAUER	DESCRIPTION	ROHM
Outoging/Task	Choleric	Doer, always right	Dominant
Outgoing/People	Sanguine	Talker, fun	Inspiring
Reserved/People	Phlegmatic	Watcher, get along	Supportive
Reserved/Task	Melancholy	Thinker, analyzer	Cautious

Before you get hung up on these four types, I have used this with many groups of people and they are pretty accurate.  The point, however, is not to stereotype people but to understand that we respond to events in different ways.  It doesn't mean we’re better or worse, just different.  Understanding the four types helps us accept the different ways that people act.

When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.  ~Anonymous

That’s the first rule of relationships:  seek first to understand, then to be understood.  If we can accept that others act differently than us, it is much easier to accept them as they are and build a relationship from there.  If this makes sense and you wish to learn more, buy one of those books.